Today Ben would have been 13. It is a milestone in any childhood's lifetime. It is an even bigger milestone for a family who can't celebrate that day with their child. Even more suffocating when your child is dead.
This day is meant to be celebrated with cake and ice cream and parties. Since Ben can't be with us, we decided to do something a little different. Since Kevin and I have been together we have tried to celebrate or do something for his birthday every year. It has been 10 years of loss for Kevin and finding a way to get through this day. I came along 8 years ago and we have tried to do something every year together. I never want him to be alone on this day. He was alone when I was in Afghanistan which he decided to not do anything and it became detrimental from that year forward that he should do something every year.
He always puts a backpack together with school supplies and a letter to the school explaining the backpack and why he is donating it. Typically, Ben's birthday falls on or near the first day of school so it makes sense to have this coincide and it is a special thing to do.
Ben's Backpack
Kevin's letter
benjaminsbugs.com
To Our Coyote Trail Family,
This backpack and school supplies are
donated in the loving memory of Benjamin Jace Rohen-Trapp. We lost our delightful Benjamin at age three,
suddenly and unexpectedly, to brain cancer in February 2007. He would have been
13 on August 6th 2016.
Benjamin was
very inquisitive and wanted to learn about everything,
a teachers dream student! He would
have loved going to school and brought a smile to everyone he encountered.
Sadly, none of you had the opportunity to meet him, teach him and enrich his
life.
Benjamin was very fond of dinosaurs, so
when I saw this backpack, I had to get it.
I’m sure it will make its way in to the hands of the right child. The supplies are just a random selection of
items which I hope can fill some needs throughout the school.
We view Benjamin’s life as having been
inspirational, an example of life lived to the fullest. We want to share
his story so that everyone remembers how fragile life is and the importance of
living every day to the fullest.
Thank You for all you do,
Benjamin’s Family
Remembering
Ben...our spirited little boy who taught us the value of life lived in the
moment, fully, joyously, and with a healthy spirit of adventure...www.benjaminsbugs.com.
This year we decided that we would spend the weekend away at a resort for the weekend with kids to celebrate the end of summer, starting of school and most importantly Ben. I asked Kevin if we were going to do a run or hike on Saturday for his birthday and he said of course. Then a few days later he suggested Pusch Ridge. Hmm. What is that. He printed out a two page thing he came across and showed me. Okay a 3 mile out and back, no problem. I am of course navigationally challenged and didn't know that this is a significant ridge and not just a simple hike. It stands out from the Catalina Mountain range, it is prominent and distinct. Regal even.
We get everything ready for the weekend, the shopping of goodies for the hotel room and by the pool. The beer and margarita mix for by the pool which we sneak into water bottles. Get the clothes packed, the truck packed all the stuff that it takes to get 5 people off to the adventurous weekend ahead. It is such a huge feat to get it done. The kids have no idea.
Kevin is grumpy through the whole ordeal. He thinks we can get packed and leave sooner then we ever do and is grumpy. The boys weren't ready when they were supposed to be either. So we started out with grumpy and sad. It is completely understandable. I don't judge and I just roll with it. I have been doing this for 8 years. I understand.
We get to the resort, the El Conquistador which is a lovely place. Really nice, it is a new stay-cation place for us. We can't check in until later but they give us wrist bands for the pool and amenities. We have a fantastic time. Kids swimming and playing and Kevin and I playing catch in the pool with them. It is all smiles and laughter all round. We got some lunch there for a pretty good deal and went to go see about checking into the room. They say we can so we make the way to check out the room and get our heap load of stuff in the room. We look out onto the balcony and low and behold.
Framed perfectly like a photo is Pusch Ridge. Perfectly. It is a sign of epic measures that it must be done. It must. Of all the rooms in this huge place, we got room 5103 that framed this place perfectly. We had a beer, filled up our bottles and went to the pool to have fun. We were having a blast and Kevin said, "I am having so much fun and I am so sad". Grief is a jerk.
I made Benjamin's name out of the range as best I could.
As the afternoon progressed we headed up to the room for dinner and a small break because a storm was moving in. We hung out at the room and started looking up stuff about Pusch Ridge. We soon learned it is on the difficulty scale of 1-10, it is an 11. Everything said strenuous. Too hard. Difficult. Unfathomable to do. Hmm, sounds perfect. Let's pour another beer. Yikes.
Headed down to the pool for some nighttime swimming and fun before we came back up to the room for the night. We didn't prepare our packs or anything the night before like we usually do because we usually freeze them. We just had hotel ice and a ton of water. When the alarm went off at 0450 I was ready to get things going. I thought the worst case scenario is we would be back at 10 or 11. Kevin instructed Cecilia the night before on how the morning should go and getting the boys ready and heading to the pool. With William able to swim now it makes it a lot less stressful.
I got up and immediately thought I didn't drink enough water the day before. I was a little worried. I drank a coke and a coffee and prepped for the day with packs, bottles and ice. Kevin was on ice duty and I was on packing the packs full to capacity with Gatorade and water bottles. I am always fearful of not having enough water. I packed to capacity. I had our salt tabs, which also have electrolytes in them plus our two bottles of tailwind mix for the beginning and two bottles in the pack for refuel--typically two bottles each will last us 4-5 hours. I packed 4 bottles of water in my pack with two Gatorade bottles and Kevin had two bottles of water and two Gatorade bottles. My bladder in my pack was to capacity of 3 liters and Kevin's was to capacity of 2 liters. It seemed like far too much and my pack was so incredibly heavy. I also had applesauce, chapstick, Neosporin, and toilet paper. We were set. Most importantly, Speedy was in Kevin's pack. He is always with us.
I wear a buff thing on my right wrist for the sweating and Kevin has a washcloth for the sweat. We loaded up on sunscreen before we left and made two bagels with fresh prickly pear jelly from Noelle's mom. We were completely set. It was a "simple" 6 mile hike.
We had to walk about a mile or so to the start of the trail so it gave us time to eat our bagel and stare at the looming mountain which when not under the influence of alcohol is HUGE. It was humid when we started making our way. I was concerned. I didn't check the temp or anything like I normally do because we should be done by 10-11 before it gets ungodly hot.
The sun peaking up behind it was so pretty and I had a feeling that this was going to be a memorable day to date. I was right.
We made it to the trailhead and headed out, apparently on the wrong trail but it loops around. We read a lot about the cactus being troublesome. I guess it was a little. Not deadly. But anyways...
Here is the pre-hike pic in case you need to locate our bodies. Note how happy and smiling we are with the beast behind us.
We had our walking poles, known as the "sticks". Kevin's are called Thing 1 and Thing 2 and mine are called Fred and Ginger after Fred Astaire and Ginger Rodgers like they dance on the mountains. We started out with one stick because we had our bottle with the tailwind in it on the other hand to begin with. It stayed that way until just before the sign. The infamous sign. We read that when you get to this sign; if you make a decision to go past it, that is when the fun begins. A lot of people don't even consider going past the sign. The sign is such an important landmark. Beyond the sign it goes from being a tough trail to a strenuous and difficult trail, immediately.
Here are a couple pics before we encountered the sign.
Along the way Kevin who was moving a break neck speed with carrying his lighter pack with less extra stuff on board turned back to look at me and said, "Are you doing Okay? You look terrible." Thanks honey. Yes, I am not feeling swell. I am dripping with sweat and trying my best to keep up. but I am fine. Keep moving.
We ran into a guy with a huge pack on and I asked if he went to the top based on the size of his pack and his tensed and exhausted face. He said no, I just went to the sign. Hmm. We ran into another guy who had a machete and he was all sweaty and had a pair of ski poles. Hmm should we have brought a machete? Where would I put that? He was volunteering to do maintenance on the trail, but not beyond the sign. What the heck is up with this sign???
We were coming up on the sign and it is where the game changed. Kevin incurred his first injury of the poke in the finger from a death cactus. He claimed he needed a blood transfusion. But this is where he said we should go to two sticks and get through our concoction tailwind mix. He guzzled a bunch down. Too much. Too quick. It was time for salt tabs too. We decided to take them now before we had to pack the bottles away.
Here is the thing. The electrolyte/salt tabs are golden and critical. Kevin often gags on them. I would say 7 out of 10 he gags. Ordinarily he will do a little dry heave and it is over with. Not today. Not today. Today puke #1 happened. The pill got stuck and the mixture of the tailwind and sweet prickly pear bagel was too much. I felt so bad for him. But, I knew he would be fine and recover. He always does.
We went past the sign with two sticks in hand and realized we are in for a feat. The trail changed from hard to climbing really quick. Climbing over rocks, navigating over and around cactus. Agave cactus with sharp thorns. Mature prickly pear with death spikes. A cactus affectionately called shin diggers or daggers. They are awful. Then you have the mesquite trees that grab you and not to mention the yucca with their death needle like grass things. No matter what you were either climbing over something to avoid something or getting attacked by something because you would fall and die. Each step was a negotiation in my head of will it hold me or make me fall. Every step. As soon as I would get confident another loose boulder or step would shake me up again. Kevin was moving along pretty good and I was doing my best to keep up. We would say to one another, "are you drinking water". We came up to an area that I had nightmares about which was just a huge flat rock that was straight up. I am not a rock climber but became one during this hike. I crawled on my hands and knees.
Here is a video of me crawling up.
https://youtu.be/DdceUxxjEZ8
Each time we would take a break I would try to take pics of the majestic views. It was so green and so humid I thought we were in Hawaii. It would take your breath away to look up and see how much further we had to go and how steep it was.
It was time for salt tabs again and I gave Kevin his and I took mine. He puked right away. A lot. Shit. This is not good. They didn't even absorb. The first ones didn't absorb and now these didn't either. We are sweating epic amounts and losing so much. He tried a little Gatorade and that helped for a bit and then he puked again. Worse was he was getting dizzy.
We took this pic somewhere around a dizzy break. Not after he puked I promise.
We ran into a woman in her 60s maybe early 70s and she was coming down just cruising along and in her groove. She does this all the time and was nimble as a goat. I was in awe of her. We asked her how much further was the top and she said we were about a 1/4 from the top. Oh, not far then.
But, then we would stop when the dizzy spell came and wait it out. He has a fit bit and it shows his heart rate and it was 142 and we would sit and wait for it to go down to 100. We played this game a lot and each time I was more and more worried we wouldn't make it. At one point he puked again without the salt tabs and I knew we were in big trouble. I came up with an idea to dissolve the salt tabs in a swig of Gatorade since he could tolerate small sips of Gatorade and I told him, "you have to fight like hell to keep this down". He did and it helped a ton. It tasted awful but he was able to keep it down. He stopped puking after that. He still would have a dizzy spell and we would sit.
During one of these dizzy spells we heard a deafening sound of bees and we could do nothing but wait for them to either move on or swarm us to our death. A climber in Mesa was killed by a swarm of bees in the spring so it is a real threat. Thankfully it passed us and we didn't die.
I think his spells were due to both exhaustion, the heat, the grief and mostly the altitude. We were gaining more and more and quickly with each step. We gained 2788 feet over 3 miles to the max elevation of 5365 feet. That is a lot in a short distance. We just kept putting one step in front of the other and trying to survive to make it to the goal, the top.
We ran into a couple guys who were flying a drone at the top and coming down. They said we had about "20 minutes" to the top. Yeah more like 2 hours. We would go for 10 minutes and take a break, but in those 10 minutes we would only go maybe 20-30 feet. It was ridiculous how hard it was.
At one of our dizzy and puking breaks we could see all the mountains around Tucson that we have climbed. Kevin was pointing them all out, Picacho Peak, Wasson Peak, Sombrero Peak, Dove Mountain--all these we have done together. Looking at these gave Kevin a push and motivation to keep on moving and on we went. I was thinking about how we went to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and up in the same day; doing it the day after a half marathon and this was harder.
Kevin was taking the lead through the whole thing and he got to a point that seemed like the top and Kevin said we could say it is the top, but I said no we have to go to the top and sign the log book for Benjamin. We have to keep going.
We pushed on and got to the top and we were greeted with the most beautiful sight. A black butterfly. I cried. Through our journeys of doing major physical feats we have had a black butterfly with us and we have said it is Ben. Ben led us to the top to show us we could do this and was there with us. It was amazing. I did a video to try to capture how gorgeous it was. I was delirious with emotion and exhaustion. I took a lot of pictures of the views.
I am not technically savvy and made this video as a live video on the facebook but I am not sure if you all will be able to see it.
https://www.facebook.com/kristin.s.morris1/videos/10207224083306014/
Kevin brought out Speedy so he could share the moment with him. He took pictures of him with the geomarker and with the letter B which when looking at pictures it looks like a 13 too. It just made it so special. I cried many times going up the mountain out of fear and exhaustion, but the tears I cried when I was at the top were of sadness. Ben should have been with us. We should be eating cake. I was so sad for Kevin for having to deal with another day, another milestone without him. It just breaks my heart for the sadness he has to go through.
"August 6, 2016. Kevin and Kristin Trapp made it. Celebrated in loving Memory Benjamin Jace's 13th Birthday. We lost him to cancer at 3 1/2. He loved adventure and boy was this one. The black butterfly is a reminder of him and they greeted us up here. Special Day. Happy Birthday Ben."
We were faced however the task of going back down. The entire way up I was fearing coming back down. I knew it would be slippery and tricky. I knew the loose gravel would be troublesome. I knew the places I had to crawl to get up I would have to scoot down and have gravity pushing me down out of control. I was so scared. So many times going up I would say that "I am not scared, I can do this". I said the same thing going down. I would slip and the sticks would save me. More times than I can count or remember the sticks saved me. I wasn't moving fast by no means. I was frustrated by my pace and slowing us down. Kevin was so far ahead of me I would get scared I would lose the trail. I would call out to him and he would say I am here. I was going with decent confidence for awhile knowing I was going to be okay and then I fell. Thank god it wasn't as bad as I envisioned and my fear envisioned. I got lucky with my pack hitting and getting caught up on a rock and slowing my momentum and my sticks helped too. Back came the fear and small elfish steps as Kevin calls them.
Thankfully Kevin didn't puke anymore and he could keep the Gatorade down. We would stop and I would drink the tailwind or have an applesauce and left the Gatorade to him. At the top Kevin refilled his pack with water from his pack and I thought I would be okay with mine. If need be I had 4 bottles of water still. I drank the whole time any second I got. I knew how intensely I was sweating and that I needed to keep it replenished. I can't have a fall and get hurt and I can't get dehydrated or depleted. I have to be the strong one now for him. I knew he wasn't out of the woods for his hydration knowing he lost it all early on. I should mention that going up we were in the shade as the sun was behind the ridge but now that it is midmorning/day it was full sun. It was HOT. When we finished it was 103.
A number of times I said I can't do this anymore. But I had to. We couldn't have life support pick us up. No way. We have to keep moving for our safety and health. We didn't speak much, which is expected when in survival mode, but also Kevin isn't always in the place of motivation when he is in this space in his mind. It is understandable of course.
This is the only shady spot going back down.
Came across this memorial for this couple.
At one point I realized I am out of water in my camel back and called to Kevin we had to stop so I could see if I was out or if I was having a malfunction. He asked how much water bottles do I have left and I had the 4 which brought him relief because he thought we only had 2 and he was out also. The trail was getting closer to the sign and we knew it would get better and we could use one stick again. Every turn we hoped for the sign. Every turn I hoped I would hear Kevin call out, "the sign, the sign".
Finally he is up ahead banging his sticks together.
The SIGN!! I go past where be banged thing 1 and thing 2 and no dang sign. Did I miss it? Where did it go? He told me he had a visual of the sign and it was still at least a hundred yards away. Then I hear it. Clang, Clang, Clang. Kevin was hitting the sign with the sticks. Oh thank the good Lord we made it to this stupid sign.
We tucked away our sticks on the packs and got out the water bottles. It was hot water but I didn't care. We could pick up the pace and safely know we were going to make it back okay. Kevin had been texting Cecilia through out the day checking in. Because of that, his phone died. I had about 30% left. We didn't even bring our first aid kit or our rechargers. A simple 6 mile hike. We didn't need it. Yeah right.
I had no idea how much time was lost out there. I looked at my watch once and it said 820 and we were sitting for a break and I thought maybe an hour went by and it was 840. Then I realized I hadn't looked in awhile and then it was 1240???? It was weird. I thought we would be done between 10-11. When I looked at my watch we hadn't even hit the sign?
We finally made it to the trail head. Done at least with the trail, just the journey back to the hotel.
Kevin wrote in the sand I heart U. Awe.
We regretted not parking at the trailhead and wished Cecilia could drive the truck there. We were absolutely shot. We drank the other bottle of water and shared a final warm Gatorade on the walk back which is almost a mile.
We had to overcome these stairs to get to cold AC.
We got to the kids at the pool looking like death with packs and sticks. I am sure we were a sight amongst all the happy shiny people having fun.
We had one goal, order food for kids and go to room. The guy who had to take our order had one goal, ignore us and keep us from our goal. I was getting so mad. Cecilia forgot the room key so Kevin went to get a new one and there I sat still waiting for "Shane" to take our damn order. He finally did and we could go shower.
Our clothes were so nasty they went straight to the balcony. You could wring the sweat out of them. We took a picture of all the hydration we did. I did not pee once out there. I did cramp a little. Kevin peed once. We spent all day after that to try to rehydrate and get a normal pee color!! I thought we had too much but we could have had more if I could carry it.
In the end it took us 7 and 1/2 hours!!! Way far longer than we thought. It completely wiped us out. Completely. Kevin has never worried about us and thinking we should call in life support. He did out there. No joke. We always push ourselves and challenge ourselves. This one just surprised us on how hard it was. We don't know anyone who had completed it and only had the internet which can be misleading. We thought people were exaggerating. They were not and I am not either. It was so hard. I know part of it is my confidence, but the other part is that it was freaking hard. Had we decided to do this in cooler time of year it may have gone a little different. Maybe.
We won't be doing this one again. Not ever. We will go to the sign but never beyond it again.
We came away from this forever etching in our memories and hearts how we celebrated Ben's 13th birthday. The ridge is so prominent in the mountain range you can see it from everywhere in Northwest Tucson it is something we can look at with immense pride. This journey wasn't about me. It wasn't about us. It is about Kevin and Ben. This is Benjamin's Ridge and we 'pushed (Pusch)' ourselves in his beautiful loving memory. It took us 156 minutes to do the 3rd mile where Kevin was feeling the worst and the incline was the steepest.
I had a few scratches.
When he told me about doing this, I had doubts but knew we could do it. Typing this the day after, we are both very sore. My eyes hurt from the sun because I couldn't wear my sunglasses due to the sweat fogging them up. My face is burned and puffy. All the pokes and scrapes and bruises hurt. But, all that we went through pales in comparison to the pain that is felt every day by Kevin and Noelle with watching their son die and living without him. Nothing compares to that. Nothing.
I would do anything to help Kevin through this. I would face any fear and hold his hand and guide him to the moon if it helps. There is no guidebook. No rules, except to love. Love completely and unconditionally and expect "there will be days like this".
We spent the rest of the day with the kids at the pool moving very slowly and dozing off a couple times. The mountain looked down upon us as if to say, you got me. Mountain 0 Ben 1. We beat it. We tamed that beast.
As we sat on the grass in the evening a storm was brewing and lightning was lighting up the sky ominous behind it. It was an awesome light show to watch, thank you Ben. Thank you for showing us obstacles and guiding us beyond them. You could call this a gift from him to us on his Birthday.
We would like to specially thank Lindsey, Cindy and Janet for sending messages to Kevin during the hike. It meant so much to him for you all to remember him.
We don't know what is planned for next year, but we know it will be special....
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