This post is going to have weekly updates. It is a year of grief support from a person who never knew the child who died. This is a niche that isn't often talked about, but has its own nuances that I hope will help others in their process. For many of you, you know us and you know who I am and how I have done my best over the last 8 years to help Kevin. I don't know if I do the right thing, say the right thing, feel the right thing, but it is what I do to try to help him. I am planning on putting a book together specifically on this topic for the grief genre to help others and let them know they are not alone. When I went to the National Conference it was there that I discovered there are not any books to cover this subject. In talking with other people in my position, it really helped me feel so much better about what I am going through. Made me feel validated by my feelings I feel and the intense guilt I feel. I have made a plan to do weekly reports of what it is like to help with the book. I know for those of you who do not know what it is like will find this boring and not want anything to do with it; like it would be contagious. I understand that and it is okay. I think. I am still figuring that out with my sensitive soul. So here it goes.
Week 1 (7-14 August)
I could go day by day, but the reality is I struggle with even keeping up with the house day by day, so I decided with the week approach. Some of it is specific to the day.
As previously posted, we did that hike on his birthday. Wow. The next day, Sunday, we spent it getting everything organized from the room and load into the car so we could spend the day at the pool with the kids. It is always an adventure with packing up the truck with stuff everywhere and restless kids. We had some time though to sit on the balcony porch and reflect on that ridge that almost killed us. We were very sore and very proud of what we did. We had some cereal, coffee for me, Coke for Kevin and mimosas. We know we can always look at the ridge and know what we accomplished and celebrate Benjamin. We spent the rest of the day hanging out by the pool. Kevin was pretty clingy to the boys as expected and I read a lot of a running magazine and sat with my feet in the pool with an occasional dip in. William participated in a red light, green light game and won a smoothie. Matthew participated in a hula hoop contest and lost. His athletic prowess isn't as strong as he thinks it is in his head. He is a very smart boy so that makes up for it. Cecilia didn't participate but cheered on from a distance to spend time with me. For every birthday there is this massive build up of emotions and activity, then the day comes and we do what we will do and the next day is a numb kind of day. He is still sad and sensitive, but maybe on a scale of 1-10, he is a 7 vs a 10 or higher leading up to it. We got home and went through the motions of getting ready for the work week and a really big day, the first day of school. The first day of school ever for William. Another first Ben never had. I knew this day was coming and I knew it would be hard.
William was excited for his first day, but also nervous. We made a plan with their mother Noelle to meet her and us all walk the boys to school with Cecilia. Our mixed, and non-traditional, but very happy family. As we gathered all the stuff (the school stuff we had to buy, tissues, packs of paper etc) we made our way to the school. We park a little distance away in a neighboring neighborhood so we don't have to deal with the parking dilemma. We started along and I couldn't find a space for me to walk. My bags of stuff broke and I was carrying it in my arms all sweaty and I couldn't find a space for me in this picture.
William was born after I was in the picture. Yes. Noelle and Kevin made a decision at the time of their divorce that when the time was right, they wanted Matthew to have a sibling since his brother died and he isn't able to enjoy having a sibling. When Kevin sat me down to have this conversation with me 6 years ago it was some tough times. I was facing a year long deployment to Afghanistan and what to do with my relationship and Cecilia and he was telling me that his ex-wife and him were planning on having a third child together. How do you process that? A lot of tears and a lot of running and a metric ton of understanding. William was going to be conceived via a turkey baster and a cup. No coatis (fancy word for sex--thanks Big Bang Theory's character Sheldon). Here is the thing. I can't even conceptualize the loss of a child. I can't. I can't know what it is like for a little boy to grow up with a brother in pictures. I can't know of dreams lost and toys and games never played. I couldn't be selfish with my feelings on the matter. I was hurt. I was devastated. I was shattered. BUT, I couldn't be selfish. Why? One word. Love. I love Kevin with more of my soul then anything that exists besides Cecilia. He is home. He is hope. He is my rock, my future, my dreams, my everything. He stepped up to raise Cecilia while I was going to be gone for a year and a half where others would sprint away. How could I not do this for a man so selflessly willing to raise my child accepting the risk that I could die and he would do it for the rest of his life. It wasn't easy. William was born while I was in Afghanistan on Kevin and Noelle's former wedding anniversary. I didn't get to meet him until he was 6 months old when I came home on mid-tour. He calls me Mommy and calls his mother Momma. One day he will understand the nature of it all. Matthew calls me Mommy now too, I used to be Ms. Kristin and now I am Mommy. I am their mother too.
Back to the first day of school. I love these boys as my own. I would die for them. I love them more then anyone could know. Yeah they drive me bonkers, Cecilia drives me bonkers, but I love them. I want to be part of their everyday life and experiences and I am sad when they are not with us. Our family dynamic and schedule in our house is different then with their mother, but it works for us and I love it. I wanted to be part of their first day too and I experience it from time to time as being the extra on a film set, "woman carrying bags to school". I made a comment out of sensitivity that I am a part of this family too that only Cecilia heard and she walked with me. When we got to the school I was able to take pics and give them the love I have for them and our moments together which I will treasure. It is hard though being in this position sometimes. They had a great first day and I worried for Kevin as I had to go to work. He spent the day sitting at home and watching the Olympics and went and spent time with the boys after school getting yogur with Noelle. A tradition they do after every first day of school with Matthew. I am sad every year I am not there.
Tuesday William had an upset tummy with vomiting. Day two of school not good. Both boys complained of ear pain which at the initial diagnosis they said Ben had an ear infection so Kevin always thinks the worst. He stayed home with Kevin because Noelle has to work and normally the boys would be with Kevin on his days off. He spent the day doing laundry and watching shows with William. Cecilia also had a job fair at Frys in an effort for her to get a job. It was taking forever and after 5 1/2 hours she had a 10 minute interview. No news yet. I was exhausted from work and came home and made a huge pot of chili for work and chili for home and freezer portions too. Kevin seemed a little better. He spent time with the boys looking at all the flood damage from the storms. I also got a message to get rice krispy treat fixings for the Compassionate Friends meeting on Wednesday. It is Ben's birthday month so we always bring treats. Kevin made them, I try not to help with them. He is usually bummed out by the work on Wednesday. It has been better since he isn't on night shift.
Wednesday he had boring training with shotgun training at work and he had a couple moments where the guy said some things that Kevin could have blown his mind with stories about Ben. About have you ever done CPR on a person. Did they die. But, Kevin keeps quiet and tells me about it of course. I feel sad he has to live with this every second of his life. We had the meeting that night too. I got held up late at work because of one of my co-workers dropping her patients on me. As soon as I got home I changed clothes and we left. He had Ben's quilt, pictures and treats all ready for us to go to the meeting. We always get dinner before at this pizza place across from the church. It is our twice a month "date night". We do love the pizza there, but the afterwards is hard. At the meeting it is the usual with everyone we normally see and a few new people which I always find devastating for our group to get bigger. For most groups you want growth, this one you don't. I hug and greet the ones I know and cry for the new grievers. I go through these feelings each meeting.
1-overwhelming sadness for my friends, for my husband, for new grievers
2-shock at the way these loved ones died
3-lonliness for not being able to share how I am feeling (as we go around the group I get skipped because I didn't lose a child--Kevin doesn't mean to do it, it just happens)
4-guilt because when this meeting is done I can go home and hug my child, they can only hug a memory
5-on an island when I can't relate to the others
6-embarrassed when I try to tell something that I hope helps and pray I don't say the wrong thing
7-gratefullness for all I have
8-overwhelming pride and admiration for Kevin to lead each session
9-love for all these wonderful people who came here to heal and share together
10-looking forward to the next session and seeing the growth and journey of everyone I have come to know and love as family and of those new in their journey
We get into the car and talk about the meeting and sometimes there is just silence. We get home and have a beer and glass of wine while watching the Olympics. I am so tired but I can't go to bed yet. I need time to decompress, so does Kevin. I find I carry the sadness with me and I know I shouldn't but it clings to me like sweat until I can wipe it away. They can't do that. Kevin can't. He finds healing with helping others and that is why we go. I listen to his stories of Ben that I know so very well. I hold his hand as I see tears well up. I provide comic relief when I can. I share my own experinces if they seem helpful.
The next day I am so tired. I haven't been sleeping well at all and today I woke up feeling very sensitive. If I wasn't sleeping I was having stressful end of the world dreams. Stress dreams. I get to work and know I have a short day and have to be on point so I can get out in time. Problem is I am as sensitive as a balloon in a room full of cactus. I try to hold it together because I have to get out early to go to a graduation ceremony for my dear friend Krystal from the U of A in the Nursing program and her going away afterwards. We get to the event in time with Cecilia with me. We park in the parking garage and head to the place using my GPS of course because I get lost so easily. The ceremony was fantastic and Kathy, Kevin's sister came which was great to talk to her. I got to talk to her some about the issues with Kevin's back. He has been having issues with his back for some time now. He has chronic issues, but it often gets worse. He also gets very sick when the birthday and death day are upon us. Not to discount the pain he is having but grief has a way of centralizing on a body and makes people sick. I have witnessed it so many times over 8 years and he didn't even know it was happening. I think it is centralized a great deal on his back. He is having such a rough year with the milestones of 10 year death anniversary and 13th birthday. It is hard for family and friends to understand that. A spouse and partner sees behind the dark doors. Behind the fake smiles and fake laughs. Sees the dirty, dark, deeply sad times.
When I left the ceremony I went with the group of people for a shortcut to the car. No problem and we got to the parking lot and I could not find my car. We walked circles for it. No car. I am arguing with Cecilia that this is the garage and she is saying it is not. It was so hot and humid. We are sweating to death. Stressed. Angry. Frustrated. I put into the phone the garage to take us to it and we walked a stupid block circle back to it. For real. Why doesn't the phone say, "dumbass you are here". I had to call Kevin. I haven't had to call Kevin and be the damsel in distress, whom I haven't been in years. I was so frustrated. He was desperately trying to help me and I just yelled to tell him to let me talk. I felt so bad. Turns out that my phone took me to the garage called Tyndall garage but I turned into the garage I came to, which was the 2nd street garage. Had I kept driving I would have come to the garage I thought I was at. I was pissed but we found the car. Everyone was waiting at the place we would eat dinner. I was so embarrassed but we had a good time. Kevin and I text after I apologized for my behavior.
Friday came and another sleepless night. I have been struggling. We had some big storms move in which kept Kevin really busy in the morning and just caused a sweat fest the rest of the day with the humidity. At work I always am faced with an appreciation for what I have and the love I have at home. I was ready for the week to be done. It has been so draining at work. Friday night was just watching the Olympics again. William was a complete irrational mess with not eating enough during the day so Kevin had the joy of fixing that. A battle we have often with both boys.
Saturday I had plans to run on my own up Wasson Peak. However, I was faced with another night of sleeplessness. I wanted to run so much and dreamt of black butterflies and then I couldn't sleep. I made the decision to sleep until 7:30 and watch the Olympics and pretty little liars with Cecilia. I had a hair appt. at 1245 and Kevin said we wouldn't have the boys in the evening. I thought we could have a date night. The last one didn't go well, so thought this next chance would. We don't get very many boy free nights for a date without work for him the next day or not a night of a compassionate friends meeting. We used to have date nights often, but since William we don't. It is one of those things I have accepted. Noelle hasn't trusted Cecilia with the boys until recently so we just don't go out anymore. I ruined this one too. Last one I ruined with a suggestion of a date we always do, dinner and movie. I wasn't being creative and we stayed home and watched TV.
I came across a notebook earlier in the day that Kevin took notes in and thought he was wanting to make an effort at journaling again. So I thought I would buy a journal for him and one for me for this yearly thing. I however realized an error in my ways when I gave it to him as a surprise. I gave him one in 2013. He made 3 entries. One on Ben's birthday, 6 Aug 2013 that said, "My dear sweet Benjamin". The next entry was on Kevin's birthday, 13 Jan 2014, which we don't celebrate because it is a day Ben was very sick and on this entry it is the story of that day and why we don't celebrate his birthday. The third is January 19th, 2014, "Wow, today was quite a day. It actually started with yesterday" That is it. So he read them all and was deep in the grief cave. We already planned to stay home and watch the Olympics but you know, thought that maybe later. You know. Nope. I ruined it and opened the grief gate. That is the reality of grief. I tried to help redirect and plan for our run for Sunday. We were going to hike, but we really need to run, so we planned on running on the AZ trail for the 50K ultra marathon training plan. We got everything ready and went to bed with alarms set for an early morning rise. At 3 am his alarm went off and he saw messages that his dad was in the hospital with an intestinal blockage. No run. We shut off the alarms and planned to sleep a little longer and go see his dad. We slept until 630 and headed out. I should mention I didn't sleep well again. 4 days now. I am so tired.
Sunday (today). We went to the hospital and his dad is doing okay. Not great but okay. He was being so stubborn about going that Patty, his love, called her son to convince him to go to the hospital. They went and 10 hours later were admitted. We spent the day there and helped with some things that need to be done at his house, moving cars and just spending time with him. We took Patty home to get some rest and Kathy and Grant came to spend time with him too. His pain is better. The blockage of sorts is still there and hopes for some movement in the bowels is needed. He has a tube down his nose and into his stomach to drain fluid and he is getting fluids pushed in to clear his bowels. We got home around 6 after a trip to the store and getting pizza for the kids and us. Matthew finished his speech for student council and we watched Olympics and got things ready for the week. Life moves forward. All day all I could think about was the stories of Kevin in the hospital with Ben. We wanted to get Patty some food and we were going to go to the cafeteria and I hoped it would be closed. I didn't tell him that. I didn't want him to relive those memories. Thankfully, it was closed and we went to Bruegger's Bagels. I told him I felt bad with it being so close to Ben's birthday that we were here. The movies that play in his head I can't pause. He is thankful I am with him. I said I couldn't just go run and not be here, don't be silly!!!
This is a week in the life of helping Kevin. Tomorrow is the start of a new week. New hidden triggers to make him sad. New highs for him to feel guilty about being happy. New moments with our children. OUR children. Kevin was sitting on the couch with Matthew on one arm and William on the other, Cecilia on the couch and I asked if any of the 4 people would let the dog out. Kevin said I can't, I have two children on me. William said you only have two children. Matthew said you have 4, me, William, Ben and Cecilia. This is us. This is our journey. Until next week.
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